I Am Stretched On Your Grave
by Mako Headrush
Summary: Reno has trouble saying goodbye to Cloud.  Rated M - language, reference to suicide.  Not my usual happy-go-lucky CloudxReno fic.


**This is an idea that's been brewing for a while, and I've finally written it out. Not a happy fun CloudxReno story, so just a warning.  
Story is told in first person from Reno's POV.**

**Warnings: Language, reference to suicide.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, Square Enix does.**

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_I am stretched on your grave and will lie there forever,_  
_If your hands were in mine, I'd be sure they'd not sever,_  
_My appletree, my brightness, 'tis time we were together,_  
_For I smell of the earth and am worn by the weather._

-Anonymous 17th century Irish poem

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It's nearly a year to the day since you left me. Tomorrow, as a matter of fact. Never thought it'd end up like this, that _we'd_ end up like this. Even though it's almost a year, I still have trouble believing you're gone. I still wake up in the middle of the night, so certain I can still feel your warmth permeating the bed sheets. But it's only the ghost of a memory.

That's all I have. I don't have _you_. I don't have your beautiful face to gaze upon, or your smile - something that I saw less and less of, in those days before you died. If only I had known. If only I had known how tormented you were by those demons of guilt. How many times did I tell you, "don't blame yourself, it's not your fault that Zack and Aerith died"? I mean, you fucking killed Sephiroth. _Twice_. If that's not redemption for your imagined sins, I don't know what is.

But you couldn't see it. Gaia knows, I tried to get you to see that. And I failed. Talk about guilt. If only I could have gotten through to you, if only you had fucking listened - I wouldn't be sitting here on the damp grass, talking to a fucking headstone carved out of granite.

You're making me cry now, you bastard. Stop it. Hey...I've got something for you today. I'm going to leave them right here on top of your stone. Our rings. That day we put them on, and pledged to love each other forever. It's still the brightest, happiest day in my memory. And again, that's all I have...is the memory. So I guess I don't need the rings anymore, they're only a symbol. A symbol of something that's been cut short. By _you_. So fucking selfish, Cloud. Why? How could you do this to me? Tifa's tried to tell me, what you did has nothing to do with how much you loved me, but how little you loved yourself. You know, that really didn't fucking help to hear that. But it makes sense, kind of.

Memories. The one that keeps killing me, of course, is the one of when I found you. Up on that hill where Zack breathed his last, you did the same. How fucking poetic. So much blood...so, so much blood. All my years as a Turk, you'd think I'd be used to that sort of thing. You'd thrown yourself on your sword, and gods...the blood. Your lifeless, pale body, just fell into my arms like some kind of sick rag doll. You'd only just died by the time I got to you; your body was still warm. But it quickly grew cold, I was too late to save you. I laid next to you all night; Rude found me the next morning, all cried out and broken.

I'm still broken. I can't get past this. Gods know, I keep trying, but I find myself back here all the time. Talking to my dead husband. Guess I've got issues, yo.

Ah, look, it's raining now. Perfect. Like I wasn't in a shitty enough mood already, this really helps. It's coming down in a torrent, but the rain is warm. I can't move from the spot; it's like I'm transfixed here, wanting the rain to wash all this shit away. But it can't.

Water's pooling up around my feet now. I look down at my EMR, clutched in my hand. Gods, it'd be so easy, I suddenly think to myself. Just switch on the EMR, stick it in the water...and, game over. I could be with you again. Suddenly, this seems like a really good idea. I hesitantly switch it on, seeing and feeling the electricity crackling from the end. Fuck it, I think, and plunge it into the water. The electricity hits me like nothing I've ever felt before - gods, it fucking hurts - and my entire body spasms, and goes numb. I float peacefully into blackness, dark, blessed blackness, and my last coherent thought, before I lose consciousness is, Rude is going to be _so _fucking pissed at me.

When I finally come to, the first thing I see is Rude's face peering down at me, and I was right - he _is _pissed. "Hey partner," I croak at him weakly, as I take in my surroundings. He just grunts at me in his usual way, glaring at me. "Sorry," I whisper sheepishly. Suddenly I feel like a fool. I'm doing the same goddamned thing, that I've been cursing you for doing, Cloud. Wallowing in my own pain, forgetting that there's others still here that actually do give a shit about me. Suddenly, I'm not as angry with you as I was before. Progress? Maybe just a new understanding. I don't know.

I'm at Healin, in some weird hospital bed. Shit. Well, I guess I'm not going to see you today after all, Cloud. Not like this. I guess I'm not done on this old rock yet. Fuck, man, I just miss you so fucking much. You have no idea.

I'll see you again someday, in the Lifestream. I know I will. Until then...I'll never stop loving you. Not ever.

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**Written for a friend who left the planet too soon.**


End file.
